As I sit here, it’s nearly 2 a.m. and I’m up because not only do I have a newborn who needs to eat, I need to pump so I can build a stash of breast milk before I go back to work, and also we’re trying a new thing where we split the night so the other person can sleep. We’re still figuring it out and it’s not perfect by any means. Tonight I went to bed at 7 p.m. and slept in a deep comatose state until my engorged breasts woke me up several hours later. It’s sort of like waking up having to go to the bathroom very, very badly except it tingles and can be sort of painful. I stumbled out trying to see if baby was hungry to find her finishing up a bottle I’d left and instead had to turn to my second baby, the pump.
I never thought having a baby would be necessarily easy but considering how every person has been a newborn at some time in their lives, I figured I could handle it and it wouldn’t be that bad.
Come and laugh along with me at my naïveté. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Having a newborn is HARD. SO. HARD. I totally understand how and why sleep deprivation is a real torture tactic. The other night she woke me up and I thought I was holding her in bed with me, which is nuts for me because we don’t co-sleep/bed share. I’m a rule follower, at least as far as safety is concerned and when it’s for other people. It’s hard for me to fall asleep and when I do, I’ve been having really vivid, strange dreams no doubt fueled by the sleep deprivation and the hours of Adult Swim I’m watching through the night.
At this point, I can’t comprehend having the energy (or time) to work out more than walking her and the dogs around the neighborhood. Strollers are sort of heavy and wrangling two dogs along with it is like running the Iditarod with two very stupid huskies who are constantly getting tangled in each other’s traces.
The things that keep me going are what I like to call “stoner thoughts:”
- Literally everyone ever has been born. Someone stayed up with that little person and fed them and changed them and tried to comfort them when they cried. Good people and bad people. I can do this even if I’m not sure how sometimes when she just won’t go the hell to sleep and I’m considering running away and joining the circus.
- Nothing lasts forever. Good things and bad things both pass eventually.
So now I sit here watching some sort of anime on Adult Swim and watching her sleep (because of course she sleeps great in anything not her crib) and at least she’s cute. Would I do it again? Ask me in a year.