Ask me in a year…

I was reading old blog entries and ran across this one, written a year ago (plus a day, but who cares). It’s funny because earlier today I was walking out of Target with Mini and a woman was packing her things into her car. She had a little baby and s/he was screaming his/her head off in the car seat and the woman was scrambling to get it all in quickly. I couldn’t help but remember my own kid’s terrible, awful screams that sounded like a wounded rabbit. When did those stop? It happened so gradually that I didn’t even notice until it was gone. Same thing for her not terrible, adorable little sneezes? One day they were suddenly gone. 

I say at least once a day now how much fun she is, because she is SO much fun! She’s curious and playful and so funny and loves to put on a show to get me to laugh at her. Last year I was deep in it, I was exhausted, hormonal, and while rationally I knew at some point it would get better it was the first time in recent memory when I didn’t know when that possibly might be. I wondered if I might have PPD as I mourned my previous life and  freedom (pretty sure I just had baby blues looking back). 

I still can’t put my finger on when things got better. There wasn’t a definitive moment. It just sneaked up on me and all of a sudden I didn’t miss pre-baby life so much. I didn’t feel like I was missing out on all the fun things in life because I’d discovered how incredibly fun it is to relive things through the eyes of a child and enjoying seeing her explore and her personality develop.

Adorable things she does:

-Pats the guitar in its stand and then sits back, sways back and forth and claps her hands.

-Squeals at the cat

-Waves at dogs (not people, HA!)

-Stands by the window and taps on the glass when the dogs are outside

-Shakes her head no when you ask her a question, any question




Would I do it again?

For her, absolutely. 

I wonder if sleep misses me too?

As I sit here, it’s nearly 2 a.m. and I’m up because not only do I have a newborn who needs to eat, I need to pump so I can build a stash of breast milk before I go back to work, and also we’re trying a new thing where we split the night so the other person can sleep. We’re still figuring it out and it’s not perfect by any means. Tonight I went to bed at 7 p.m. and slept in a deep comatose state until my engorged breasts woke me up several hours later. It’s sort of like waking up having to go to the bathroom very, very badly except it tingles and can be sort of painful. I stumbled out trying to see if baby was hungry to find her finishing up a bottle I’d left and instead had to turn to my second baby, the pump.

I never thought having a baby would be necessarily easy but considering how every person has been a newborn at some time in their lives, I figured I could handle it and it wouldn’t be that bad.

Come and laugh along with me at my naïveté. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Having a newborn is HARD. SO. HARD. I totally understand how and why sleep deprivation is a real torture tactic. The other night she woke me up and I thought I was holding her in bed with me, which is nuts for me because we don’t co-sleep/bed share. I’m a rule follower, at least as far as safety is concerned and when it’s for other people. It’s hard for me to fall asleep and when I do, I’ve been having really vivid, strange dreams no doubt fueled by the sleep deprivation and the hours of Adult Swim I’m watching through the night.

At this point, I can’t comprehend having the energy (or time) to work out more than walking her and the dogs around the neighborhood. Strollers are sort of heavy and wrangling two dogs along with it is like running the Iditarod with two very stupid huskies who are constantly getting tangled in each other’s traces.

The things that keep me going are what I like to call “stoner thoughts:”

  1. Literally everyone ever has been born. Someone stayed up with that little person and fed them and changed them and tried to comfort them when they cried. Good people and bad people. I can do this even if I’m not sure how sometimes when she just won’t go the hell to sleep and I’m considering running away and joining the circus.
  2. Nothing lasts forever. Good things and bad things both pass eventually.

So now I sit here watching some sort of anime on Adult Swim and watching her sleep (because of course she sleeps great in anything not her crib) and at least she’s cute. Would I do it again? Ask me in a year.


The rarest creature of all, a sleeping newborn